Five years angry!

Ok, so here it is five years.  I've wanted to write something ...and I've written lots...but I won't share.  The more time passes, the less I share!
But I'll tell how it is ....IT STINKS!!!!!  Far more than human words can capture.
Losing Phoebe has challenged every single aspect of my life.  There is nothing I do, we do, as a family, that doesn't carry the loss in some way ...big or small.  And most times no one wants to admit that ...because we just don't want it to be real that we've lost her.  So why do we have to chronically deal with so many reminders?
It's a long time, but it's really still today.  There's no 'healing' ...return to wholeness.  It just is, and we learn to live with it.  We laugh, smile, play, succeed, fail, fight, worry, cry ...and start all over again.  We live as best we can.  Lots of good things happen along the way.  But it still hurts, lingering, aching and longing for the return of my girl!
God stays my core, my grounding center.  And I dance around him like a disgruntled child.  Striving to choose joy and gratitude despite what's happened.  And He offers me bits here and there that keep me moving forward.  Friends who've stayed close by, keeping watch and sharing the tears. There's no words to describe that kind of friendship.  Some we thought good friends found reasons to leave.  And truth be told, as hurtful and hard as all that was ....it's a blessing because that's not what true friends do.  I could share a few stories ...doozies ...but why?  No one would learn from them ...you either have the fabric of true friendship, or you don't. It's that simple!
We have our support group, Compassionate Friends, where those stories can be told ...and they are common; predictable.  Newly grieving parents come in, surrounded by a swarm of caring people, and six months to a year later, most of those swarming friends have found a reason to disown you.  Doesn't matter how your child dies ....it's just too icky.  So, those who stay are gems, treasures that are the most genuine people walking this earth.
Five years ago ...and for a long time after, I talked and talked about it.  That's all part of making it real, processing, accepting the reality.  In time though, we learn to stop talking ...because it's more of a novelty for most. There's no way for someone to know this rugged terrain unless it's been walked.
God knows the walk ...and guides us as we let Him.
Just days ago I sat outside a cafe waiting for some colleagues to arrive for a meeting.  The day was beautiful and balmy ...similar to the day she died.  I heard a funny comment and looked up to see two of my friends.  Two empty chairs invited them to sit.  And for a few moments we just were with each other...they knew Phoebe's day approached.  Both lost son's to overdoses ...another stigmatized death.  And you should see the pictures ...handsome, strapping, kind, achieving young men.  Suicide and drugs don't sit well with most.  Nor should they!  But still, the stigma is so outrageous.  Most people want to believe they can control the life and death of a child.  I did too. One of my friends asked "aren't you just so tired?  ...so tired of carrying this grief; it just won't leave."  And I nodded ...yes I am so so tired.  And I miss, miss, miss.  Hugs mean a lot to us, so we tend to do a lot of that when we meet.  I'm a bit ahead of these wonderful mothers and I've watched and learned from them.  And yeah, in some ways it gets more bearable; but you know what ...it doesn't go away.  Just a few stolen moments with them grounds me ...makes me feel no so alone.
So while the world whirs around us and people forget ...we don't.  Our life is different.
We are different.  That's hard for people to adjust to ...they want the old person they knew back.
But she ain't comin'.  This is the new me!!!!
Five years out ...I've got far less to say.  I'm tired of the walk, and I'm tired of talking about it.  But I know more about who Phoebe is.
Phoebe is far more than her suicide.
Lots of people have pulled me aside, sent me a note or email, called me ...bared their souls and wept over fear for their own child.  Thinking somehow that I could give them the secret 'thing' I forgot to do that would have saved Phoebe.  They come to me when they are down and out, at their wits end with fear!  They don't say 'hey, how you doing?, can you spare a moment?'  They say 'only you'll understand ....'.  But you know what ...no I don't get it, no I don't understand ...you've weathered a particular storm ...your child MADE IT!!!!.  And once that darkness lifts, once they've weathered the fear ...I never hear from them again.  I might see them, but they look away, walk away, change their gaze.  Hmmmm!  But they do know something ...that I do too...their child is far more than whatever detour they were on ...they made it back.  And guess what else ...Phoebe is far, far more than her detour ...even though she didn't make it back!
And I wonder ...why didn't my daughter survive her detour?  And why didn't my two friends, and countless others kids, who die from a stupid moment of confusion, fear, temptation?  And why do other people get to pull me aside and purge then leave as if nothing ever happened ...as if it never cost me anything?
Maybe you can tell that at this particular point ...at five years ....I'm angry.  I'm angry about losing her!  I'm angry about my kids having to navigate life without her!  I'm angry at what her death has cost me!  I'm angry people think they get it when they don't!  I'm angry when people jump on a band wagon and pose as though they were so close to her, when in fact they made Phoebe very uncomfortable!  I'm angry someone would ask me to talk to their child so they won't do what Phoebe did ...I'm angry because no one sees the cost of all that!  I'm angry that my kids lost friends because their parents were too afraid to stare cruelty in the face and call it what it is!  I'm angry that the inconvenience and stigma of Phoebe's death doesn't fit in to the neatly arranged life of people I thought were friends.  I'm angry that I can't get angry at Phoebe anymore ...that I can't disagree with her and argue.
I'm just plain angry.  And that is what five years looks like!!!
The best anyone can do ...is pray for me, for my family, for Phoebe.  And pray for every other family that's lost as we have ...because they deal with the very same things.

New Day

Each one of us is created solely by God for God.  Each one of us has a story to write and live. We never know when we touch someone's life.  And sometimes, too often, we don't see when or how someone touches ours too.  And sometimes there are those few souls we know are touching our lives and everyone else's they encounter.  I've shared enough about Sophie that you've probably gathered she was one of those souls you knew touched you and anyone she encountered.
The outpouring that spoke of this truth could be found Thursday as hundreds, maybe thousands even came to say farewell.  And again today as Mass was offered for her.  The awesome faith that wove its way among so many different people from all walks of life.  She was a 'magnificent' woman.  Every opportunity she had she spoke of God.  And she made her way through obstacles and setbacks while calling all attention to the mighty generosity if God.  A witness to the truth of our Savior, Jesus Christ ...and handmaid.  For His glory always, not hers!
We stood outside the funeral home Thursday for more than two hours weaving a way through a line that finally brought us inside out of the cold drizzle.  We welcomed the warmth of inside after being in 33 degrees outside.  And for another hour and a half we slowly moved, passing pictures that spanned a lifetime. We listened, or watched when we could, two videos playing showing each of her nine children interspersed with beautiful holy images and quotes.  Sophie continued to teach each of us ...continue to plead God's case.
Her shock of thick red hair gone, she radiated, slurred speech and all as she answered questions posed by her children and husband.  It's hard not to cry now as I share this.  Her oldest daughter asked her what she thought of all that was happening as she lay in her hospital bed.  "Miraculous, it's so miraculous.  God is so good and generous. I've prayed for this, that my family would all be together in faith and we are.  And now God wants each of you to go out and evangelize your faith to others."  She went on "I pray you all become great saints, but not too great, because I don't want you to suffer, that's too hard for a mother to watch."  They asked her questions about the Eucharist and confession and she answered all of them keeping them central in life.  Asked about her main philosophy, what is most important in life, she answered "gaining Heaven ...it's the most important thing.  It's all about getting to Heaven."  Sophie ...everything has always been about God and Heaven, mothering, family ...bringing as many souls as we can to God.
Remarkable.
I looked at those kids as I waited and remembered the prayers we'd been asked to offer on their behalf over the years.  I wished for that time back, to sit tight with each other, praying for all our kids ...praying their way to heaven.
I remember bumping into Sophie a few months after Phoebe died.  We were both in Michael's craft store.  And there in a little aisle we cried and prayed.  I'd been told that Phoebe could quite possibly be in hell because of how she died and I carried that like a brick wall, so fearful.  Someone I had deeply trusted told me this and I couldn't escape it.  No matter what others said, even priests, this thought weighed heaviest.  I pleaded with God to put me there and take Phoebe with Him.  Out of my mind with grief, I could not dismiss the fear that had been offered.  I cried that out to Sophie, surrounded by paintbrushes.  In her way, Sophie shook her head, adamant Phoebe was a child.  "She's a child Carolyn.  I know Phoebe, she had no idea what she was doing ...no idea!  And it could have been my kid, or anyone elses for that matter.  Whoever tells you she could be in hell has no idea what they're talking about.  Don't pay any attention to it, you HAVE TO trust God. He's BIGGER than all of us. Do you think the God who created her would leave a child in blind moment?"  And we parted, me feeling restored and the seeds of hope spreading the tiniest of roots that would grow and take hold. I already loved Sophie, but after that particular exchange, I became eternally grateful to her.
And that's how it would be for me with Sophie, chance meetings, the occasional gathering of families at our houses or elsewhere, drop offs at girls club, camp, adoration, retreats.  Our lives were busy, dictated by our dynamic families.  And every time I saw her, it was as though an ocean breeze cooled me.  And it wasn't often enough.
But as her oldest son shared, her work, her real work, has just begun!
And no doubt, if you've prayed for her at all, she will weave her way into your life and heart, and invite you to join her in saving as many souls, leading everyone to Christ.  Maybe not in the magnetic, intense way of Sophie ...but in your own way, the way God asks you to.
Please continue prayers for Sophie... and her family ...and be assured of mine for you!

Eternal rest grant unto Sophie O'Lord and may perpetual light shine upon her. May her soul, and the soul of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen

Well done, dear Sophie

Our dear friend

Sophie's obituary

Thank you for all your prayers for Sophie and her family.
They are a remarkable group of faith-filled people.

Eternal rest grant unto Sophie O'Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May her soul and the soul of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.

Handmaid VII

Sophie passed into the arms of Our Lord today.
Thank you for your prayers for her, please continue to pray for her and her family as they strive to bring the message of love, compassion and salvation ...even through their grief.
We've all kept tabs with each other and as I spoke with a friend just moments before we heard, we laughed and considered that Sophie's lingering was perhaps due to her gathering as many souls as she could from Purgatory so she could stand before God and plead on their behalf. "Dear God, you know if they'd just been given better formation they would have done so many wonderful things.  Just look at the size of their heart, they're truly, truly people who desire to serve You."  We imagined how many battles she was fighting for the most remote, forgotten souls.  Because that's who Sophie was and is ...a fighter for Christ.
She is a remarkable soul ...radiant in her burning passion and desire to bring as many as she could to Christ.
Hidden, and unburdened by the desire for human respect, she waged a mighty war against a culture that consumes and misleads so many.
Passionate in her quest to defend and save the unborn.
Passionate in her quest to spread the truth of the Eucharist
Passionate in her quest to spread the true meaning of marriage and the welcoming of children
Passionate in her quest to bring souls to reconcile with and before God
Passionate in her compassion to reach the most hardened heart
Passionate in her compassion for all those who suffered
She leaves behind a trail burned by her love and her fight for all of us.
She sought no limelight, no public appearances, no popularity
Where she drew attention she deflected to others, she took credit for nothing
If I could be a fraction of the woman Sophie is ...I will be blessed.
And I am blessed to know her.

Eternal rest grant unto Sophie O' Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May her soul and the soul of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen

Handmaid VI

It's like holding your breath ... waiting for the passing.
But maybe things will change.  Prayers continue and we truly don't know the time or place ...and often not the circumstances.
I've combed through pictures in an effort to establish some type of order for my kids.  We have piles and piles of photographs.  I came across several of this special group of women, picnicing on the lawn one May.  We'd just prayed the rosary after our chaotic pilgrimage from parking lot to the beautiful statue of Blessed Mother.  The shock of bright red hair slowed me as I looked at the smiling face, just short of a giggle.  Little ones all around us.  It was indeed good to look at my friend and remember.
Sophie covers a lot of ground.  In a quiet, one on one way she spreads her love of God and urges everyone she meets to turn their face towards Him.  A few nights back I met with my two oldest friends.  One had flown in for a quick visit.  They'd met Sophie when Phoebe died and remembered her.  Her hair made her stand out, but what they recalled was her obvious faith, her devotion and confidence in God and her great love of the Blessed Mother.  She shared it with my two friends, searching for answers, so beautifully without passing any sense of judgment on them.  And sometimes, when we are trying to be faithful and good and right ...we can really come across in a way that makes people feel judged and convicted. I've felt that too sometimes ...and I know I've probably made others experience that with me, which I wish wasn't true.  But Sophie never makes people feel that way and which my friends voiced.
Sometimes people cover a lot of ground as a very public witness. Maybe some of you know of this woman,  Kara Tippets, who's own recent passing was expected, but evidenced such grace and trust in the eternal.
She's been a powerful witness to suffering and death.  And she'd voiced a beautiful plea to the young woman who chose her death this past fall.  Grab a cup of tea, and ponder, and read.

Losing Phoebe has been a painful and difficult walk for sure ...each day.  But faith offers an extraordinary opportunity to take each step forward ...whether towards life, or towards death ...trusting in the promise of eternity with Christ.
Death is never easy for those left behind, and suffering towards death is difficult and painful to watch.  But if we can wrap our minds just a bit, and open our hearts ...we don't have to be afraid.

Tomorrow, Palm Sunday, Christ enters Jerusalem, and for that one day, even the demons are subdued, unable to prompt and tempt people to hate Him.  Great praise and welcome are offered.  Palms are waved and laid on the ground in honor of his entrance.  ...and we know the story.  There is no Resurrection without the Crucifixion ...

Blessings to you, and please continue your prayers.

Annunciation

This beautiful feast day ...Feast of the Annunciation!  The day Mary said 'yes' to the angel Gabriel, inviting her to accept her call to give birth to Christ.  A mere human, she was infused with an understanding that she is nothing without God.  And she witnessed this when she said yes!
No one knows when they will die; no one knows when someone they love will die.
Isn't death a peculiar thing?!
The process of dying can be long and hard.  And it can take multiple forms.
Our friend Sophie is hard at work, soul work, as she approaches her time.  Keep praying.
We wait for updates, and we pray for her abundant family, for them to find peace.
My whole life is a struggle of saying yes or no to God.  That's really what it comes down to!
It's so easy to say 'yes' to the good things ...everything that affirms and confirms is welcomed with a great big 'yes'!
But the hard things, the undesired, the shameful, the disappointing ...those are so difficult to say yes to.  And I try every which way to not say yes, while convincing myself that I am indeed saying it.
Sophie said yes!  And she's shown so so many people how to accept and carry the task God offers to us.
This morning, I thought about this day, this feast.  And then I quickly thought about Sophie ...and all the yeses I got to witness her saying and accepting.
It's a hopeful day really.  It's really the day our redemption took physical form ...the day the Word was made flesh.  It's a beautiful day.
Please continue praying for Sophie and her family.
And I will offer prayers for you!

Handmaids V

Sophie's family have invited us to pray the Seven Sorrows of Mary rosary in union with them.

http://www.themostholyrosary.com/appendix1.htm

Each Sorrow is started with an Our Father, followed by seven Hail Mary's.

She is a beautiful witness in her willingness to accept and live out God's will for her.

Please continue to pray.  Thank you for each and every one offered.