Phoebe would have turned 20 yesterday. I'd like to celebrate with her. This is her third birthday away from us. The day was busy with the rush of life. Pause. It's her birthday, a time to remember and celebrate and share. What would she be like now? Where would she be in her life? What would her day had been like if she was here? I wonder those things and yet know wholeheartedly, none of it was ever meant to be. Phoebes life was known, the beginning and the end, well before she breathed in her lungs that very first, difficult time. So my wonder is just that ...wonder, because there was and is no 'what might be' ....just what was and what is.It's how God makes things.
I've been in an intense training in a room with no windows all week. It's a nails scraping the chalkboard type experience. Mandated information that must be delivered, received, tested, confirmed whirs around my eyes and ears. I talk to God in this small space, wonder the real necessity of it all, my mind drifts and I ask what I'm doing here, how much longer can I bear this. I play games with the clock. It's an opportunity I pursued and was offered. It's not like I landed here by happenstance ...it's a good thing, but the training material repeats over and over. The teacher is wonderful and warm, keenly aware that we are trudging through. We all share blank stares, our eyes plead with each other for a means of escape. As life has it, someone knows someone who knows me, and bits and pieces of my story float in the air. Why here I ask God? Why now, why in this closed space? I don't want the pitied sideway glances, the curiosity ...I want to be free, I've had enough of being kicked around by meddlers, disingenuousness folks. I try to avoid those encounters.
When we get a break I head outside, away from the group. I need sunshine. I sit with a woman, unwrap my sandwich...and her story spills. And in that moment, I know why I'm here, in the sunshine with this lovely lady. And I know why Phoebe is where she is and the work she likely does. And together, me and my girl, we reach out to the beautiful hurting hidden behind the smile and laughter, behind the ego and animation is a brokenness and fear that needs soothing, assurance ....compassion. In this space under the sun there is no competition for who hurts or suffers more ....there is just the listening and sharing the broken hearted do ....the giving of stories and losses and hopes and trust. Tears give way to weak smiles, assurances ...it will all be well.
Moments like these speak of our lives entwined with those we love and have seemingly lost. If our lives are eternal, then why wouldn't we still be together in moments. What will I do on birthday, is answered with tending another broken soul ....offering a smile and assurance that all will be well ....because all will be well, as God ordaines it ...regardless of what the world says.
God is good and gracious, generous even ...in seemingly odd ways. To say He invites us to carry His cross seems indulgent, pompous even ...who am I to touch the means of our salvation? I am not worthy to carry it with Him, I know that. But I can offer a sip of water to one who does ...can't I? I can wipe a tear, cheer her on, tell her He's just ahead ...waiting.
Phoebe turned 20 yesterday ...and I celebrate with a heavy heart, trusting she is near because she sat with me on a picnic bench holding the heart of another mom with a smile that brightens a room and sprinkles happiness. But deep down, or not even so deep she helped me see the ache of fear.
Life is a broken landscape, and we pick our way through, holding each other up, making our way through the debris ....it's in the giving and reaching out, it's in the willingness to share and listen that we find our own footing ...solid ground.
Happy birthday sweet girl!
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