Tap!

The turn of the air, the color of the sky, the chill of the morning ...these all hint to the day Phoebe died.  We approach three years, unimaginable.  Sometimes I find myself overcome with deep sobbing, the out and out exposed missing of my precious girl.  I still don't understand the plan God has underway for me or my family.  It is all still so outrageous.  But I'm not caught in the deep sobbing, the devastation that pulls further and further downward.  There are moments, but it is not the constant.  We choose things in life, and I've chosen gratitude and attention to/awareness of the many, many blessings I have in my life.  When I begin to tally all I have, all I've been given ...despite what the culture, media or naysayers tell me ...I am overwhelmed at the enormous generosity of God.  It is as outrageous as Phoebe's untimely death.
As I continue to exercise (deliberately) gratitude, beg God to keep me in a state of thanksgiving, the image and sense I have of Phoebe is close by, giggling and smiling, laughing with me through this life.  Her bun flops from side to side, she is no longer mad she is shorter than me ...she is free and happy.  Like a child on the playground, she pulls my hand onward to the joy ...to the fun even.  And I cling to this, relish in it.  It is a better place for me to be.  More and more I can get there.  Still, the weight of loss holds me fast, but I can carry it better with the smiling, playful girl in my space.
I find Phoebe all over the place, little twinkles and sprinkles ...usually when something is pulling me down, and my gratitude fades.  Through places and people, she'll wink.  Play more I tell myself, worry less, pray more, worry less!
And so tonight as I'm dipping, something has me churning and the thoughts are tumbling, the heart is breaking.  I will myself to find that childlike place that marvels at the changing leaves, watches the moon dance across the ocean.  Frustrated I can't get there, can't pull myself up and out.  And then there she is, laughing and watching. "Mom, look at Auntie Meg, she finally did it!"
I've pulled into my friends driveway, a quick weeknight visit, unusual for both of us.  Her outdoor light doesn't work, the day is nearly gone from the sky. She is a silhouette on her doorstep.
Her arms move in dainty gestures and her feet have taken on a wild rhythm, and I can hear the tap, tap, tapping.  "Can I make you a cup of tea?"  "Would you like some ketchup?"  She's laughing, her tap shoes have arrived.  For years she's wanted to tap dance.  Not one lesson under her belt and here she is on her doorstep tap dancing.  She is a tap dancer!!!  At long last!
"It's gonna be a quick visit kids," I say, "the noise will drive us away fast!"  And we are all laughing and smiling.  She tells us how it's put a whole new spin on serving others. "You want to get up and get something or prepare something just so you can TAP your way through."  We all try the shoes on, take a turn at tapping.  None of us come close to her raw talent born of pure desire.
Both of us have had our lives changed ...suddenly, with no way out of it.  We've both been given trails we'd never ever choose.  I was with her when Phoebe died, and she was by my side as I said goodbye and kissed my precious for the last time.  She was with me when I sang "Gentle Woman" to Phoebe for the last time, brushed her cheek and said "I love you."  Meet Meg and you meet joy ...because she chooses it, day after day.
Her life changed when Phoebe died, like others close to us.  And she's stayed and been willing to play with us even though we carry the stigma of suicide.  And I can see Phoebe loves her even more now too, because she stayed ....but more because she plays.
What are any of us waiting for?  Why are any of us waiting for even an extra moment to miss the great joy and fun of this life?  Blessings abound, they are there for the taking.  I imagine God delights in my friend dancing through her kitchen, singing and tapping with abandon.  And I imagine Phoebe knew just what her mom needed to see, where I needed my heart to go tonight.
Amazing Grace ...truly, amazing grace!
May you find yours today too!
Please pray for Phoebe ...for all of us, as we strive to live fully and gratefully each day through God's amazing, abundant, boundless grace ...tap, tap!