Pumpkin graces

I guess you can measure the well-being of a family by how comfortably they talk about things.  That's one element anyway, how words flow back and forth, not getting caught in uncertain webs, or carrying a history of hurt. 
For a long while, too long for me, we couldn't talk about Phoebe without tears, or anger, hurt, frustration ...sadness.  I want her name spoken ...she is part of our fabric, one ninth to be exact.  And it will always be so.  I've spoken her name freely and often, insistent she would remain known.  I've heard it said that the sweetest word a person ever hears is their own name.  I think the sweetest word is the name of your child ...gone from your grasp.  Just to hear the whisper of their name ...heartstrings.
Very slowly, I've noticed Phoebe's name as part of the regular dialogue in our home ...not in reflection, but in the present.  While most times I want to jump up and down, screaming "Hooray, you said her name!!!,"  I stay quiet, knowing my response could shut it down fast.  This gradual re-entry promises me we are learning to live in a very healthy, real way, with our chronic sadness and loss.  Small steps can bring us forward in life.
While there are still times when one or several of us are overcome, without notice, with the stabbing grief and missing, there are moments too when we can just unanimously express how much we wish she was still here.
So last night as we carved pumpkins and discussed design, more than one of these kids stated "you know who needs to be helping us ...Phoebe!  She is so good at this, remember the pumpkins she would do, with ears sticking out, and noses?"  We remember, laughing together.  We were free ...to love her.  Strong enough, in that moment, to bear and carry with grace, the weight of her absence.
We sailed on through and carved our pumpkins.
God keeps his promises.  It's not that life gets 'easier', its just that if you can remain open, you'll find that graces abound ...and they are ours for the taking.
Blessings to you on this Eve of All Saints Day.