Place settings

We were a flurry of activity Thanksgiving day.  A large crowd to be seated and fed, close by to Grammy for visits ...a sense she was with us. 
I have my candle I light on special days ...or whenever, up in the cupboard.  All day I reminded myself to take it down, light it, imagine Phoebe there with me ...with us.  I'm certain I won't forget; how could I?
We're joining tables and finding chairs, counting, recounting.  I wish I had space for one more, just one spot to signify Phoebe ...her space.  But we just can't, we're too tight already.  I'll have the candle at least.
Someone new joins us, and she is pleasure.  I've been looking forward to meeting her.  My husband tells me over and over she's from France.  Okay ..I'll remember ...France. 
In she comes, ahead of her beau.  I want so badly for her to feel welcome, at home.  And I'm so glad she's open and chatty, quickly settling into the rhythm of us.  And I banter away, peppering questions about France.  Quizzically, she looks at me as I ask her how far she lives from Paris.  "Oh, very, very far!"  I'm no geographer, but surely she can't be that far away ...but it's all relative, I think.  I ask what town she's from in France.  She's so, so polite, "Latvia, have you heard of it ever? I live near Riga, the capitol"  No, I say ( quietly thinking to myself  'I always thought Paris was the capitol of France.  Go figure!)  Again with the Paris thing, "Now how far is that from Paris?"  I'm fixated on Paris; and I have absolutely no desire to go there, but listening to me you'd think I was pining away for a one way ticket.  And the conversation goes on and on.  She's giving more and more clues ..."well, I live near the Baltic Sea ...have you heard of it?"  Yes, of course. Again I'm secretly thinking 'gee my geography is really bad, I never knew France was near the Baltic Sea.  Now while this conversation is going on I'm also plotting my timing of dinner and figuring when everything needs in or out of the oven along with all sorts of other details.  But I keep at this conversation about France with gusto.  Olivia is across the room, gently smiling at me.  A buzzer goes off and I excuse myself.  Olivia follows me into the kitchen, giggling "Mom, you've never heard of Latvia?"  "Of course I have, why?"  She tells me "THATS WHERE SHES FROM!  It's far away from Paris you know."  Wait a minute I think  "Dad said she's from France!"  "No, she's from Latvia."  The laughter continues, pitied comments, "poor Mom, you really don't know where Latvia is, do you? You must be so embarrassed!"  But the thing is, I don't really get embarrassed ...I just go with it.  Out I march to my guest and ask her where she is from.  "Latvia!" she tells me wide eyed.  "I thought you were from France! ...that's why I was fixated on Paris ...and by the way girls, instead of sitting there letting your mom ramble on and on, why didn't you chime in and correct me?"  Oh we had a great laugh over that.  And it made me miss Phoebe a whole lot because she would have enjoyed that whole exchange, would have probably led me on even more, digging a deeper hole ...or, redirecting me with her eyes and subtle hand signals.  I remember the candle.
Our guest is next to me in the kitchen so eager to help, so much a part of the day and us.  I like her; I'm glad she's here.  She's 20 she tells me.  The age Phoebe would be.  I notice the difference of a teenager and a twenty year old young woman, traveling and studying, so open to new experiences and life.  And I wish that for Phoebe ...those thoughts fleeting.  I remember the candle.
It comes time to sit and my husband is insistent on both of us in certain seats.  We've counted and recounted, no room to spare.  Our guest is two seats down from me.  I take my place, the last arrive, and we are gathered ...truly.  Between me and our guest is a place setting ...empty.  I point and look at my husband.  "It's Phoebe's seat, you knew that would happen, she'd never let you get away without that."  But we counted, I say. "Doesn't matter, she always shows up!"  And I remember the candle ...still up in the cupboard.  No need for it. 
Phoebe winks at me ..."really mom, you'd think some other girl is gonna have her seat next to you ...what are you thinking?"  And I can hear her giggle.  My Phoebe ...always finding me.
We worry about forgetting them, losing the sense of who they are, how they move, speak, laugh, cry.  We never do!  As deep as that fear, is as deep and certain they will find us, remind us ...be with us. 
I am so glad to find her here.
The mystery of God's creation most often cannot be understood, but if we just remain open ...He allows the beauty to unfold and surround us ...even in the saddest of times.