Valentines

Little packages of chocolates make their way into lunches ...tiny tokens reminding them they are loved.  Valentine's Day.  Romantic notions all around us, but really, all types of love bloom outright expression on this day.  Loving our children is intense and constant. Red hearts, chocolates, flowers all say I love you.  I'm not crazy about forced holidays, but why not have one special day where collectively we say I love you.  Maybe it forces us to be a little nicer, a bit more thoughtful ....maybe offer a 'thank you' even, where we haven't before.  Just do something that might warm a heart, bring a smile. And its fun too ...showing someone they are special.
But what if that person isn't here to offer something?  What if that deep yearning to express our love has no place to go? no one to offer it too?  This day, as commercialized as it may be, becomes more poignant and painful for those in their early walk of grief.  Someone who may normally disregard Valentine's day, suddenly is overwhelmed at the inability to express their love for the one they've lost.  It's an odd place to be, that only adds to the confusion of despairing grief.  Pray for these people ...they need to be bolstered in these moments.  Its a harsh reality to watch others freely giving and receiving.  Loneliness can surge at times like this.
Like every other morning, Phoebe is my first thought ...as she is my last every evening.  I gather my six goodies for distribution and imagine her assistance and insistence in helping me.  I had once needed seven little packages. I smile more now thinking of her ...the smiles last longer than the tears.  That comes with time.  But still, I miss her.  I think of those families, parents so new to the absence.  I wince, knowing how hard it is right now.  It won't always be so unbearable ...but they won't believe that yet.  Today I can imagine her alongside me making sure she kept me on track.  She is with me, I know.  But I wonder where she will wink at me ...if she will today.
A new job takes me on the road with another nurse.  More seasoned than I am, she navigates me through.  She has a 'way' I've noticed, a natural ease that allows her in to the most vulnerable places of our charges.  They relax around her ...trusting.  They are safe with her.  I can tell by the way she speaks of them, confirmed again by watching her interact.  There's much for me to learn from this seasoned nurse.  She offers something special here.
She tells me our paths have crossed through mutual friends.  She remembers meeting me when my youngest was just weeks old. I can't place it, but she remembers ...and the details assure me its true.
For some reason in this early working relationship am I 'at rest', and I can't say why.  I will learn though.  Sitting across from each other she tells me of the two she's buried.  She doesn't yet know about Phoebe.  I listen to her tell me and my heart cracks as I take in her loss and release mine.  And then it is her turn to know my own burden.  It is a language of hearts and eyes ...words only share a portion.  We know.  Living in two worlds.
I realize now, this work I'm called to, caring for people in their most vulnerable moments ...when, no matter how much they want to or try, they cannot get up ...they cannot be who they once were.  We both know that burden and struggle ...because we can't be who we once were. We are 'other'.  Like our patients, we glint and gleam our past selves here and there ...but we know we are limping.
I'm struck that it's Valentines day and unexpectedly my heart entwined with another knowing soul.  God is good we say ...because He is, and because he allows winks from Heaven.  Three children looked on as their moms let go and wished them a valentine.  Who could arrange such meetings, on such days?  Only God. It's a small consolation compared to the one we really desire ...reunion with our children.
Our day ends ...and we imagine our children together ...in joy.  She defines grace in carrying her sorrow, her joy from deep within.  Hers is a beacon for me ...leading me forward.  I have much, much to learn.  But the path ahead is clearer, and I have to believe it's a little valentine from that feisty girl.  I found her today holding a lantern at my footsteps, calling me forward ...onward...and I'm glad.
Happy Valentine's Day!